Warning: Satire Ahead
In a wild turn of events, the state of Alaska chimed in on the Disney vs. DeSantis culture war. Mickey Mouse and Ron DeSantis’ falling out has forced Floridians to move to Canada and cartoon animals to halt their show tunes. In response to the discord, states like Texas, North Carolina, and Colorado have offered Walt Disney World Resort plenty of real estate to relocate out of Florida.
America collectively spat out their coffee as a country this morning when Alaska proposed a new piece of legislation aimed at relocating Florida Governor Ron DeSantis himself. An Alaskan representative apparently “went rogue” and filed a bill called “Ronny D’s Freedom Restoration Act.” The bill seeks $1,000,001 for the creation of a committee that would determine how best to attract Ron DeSantis away from the Central Florida theme park feud and toward Alaska’s territory.
The “Ronny D’s Freedom Restoration Act” bill is sponsored by three juggernauts not even located in Alaska: Mickey Mouse, Walt Disney’s cryogenically thawed head, and Karen DeSantis. An online viral petition collected signatures like a Disney autograph book. Top signatures include Cinderella, Donald Duck, The Evil Queen, and a Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger stamp.
Alaska can offer DeSantis an environment that is consistently changing with the climate and conducive to prosperity, allowing DeSantis to redirect his wasted energy. Perhaps, into facing his debilitating fear of mice.
An official statement from board members:
We offer asylum to Ron DeSantis. This war must end. We have large, large tracts of land available. And when there is a conversation about a thing like this happening, we will find that location somewhere. I don’t have a specific location because that conversation has to happen.
A similar offer was made to Disney World by Fort Bend County, Texas Judge KP George. Alaska sees the benefit that wide open spaces could have on Ron DeSantis’ chakras.
The Alaskan government continues and promises “refuge” from the House of Mouse’s reign of terror and bullying. Plus, Alaska recognizes that Ron DeSantis could be a massive source of tourism revenue that any state should happily accept with open arms.
To entice Ron, Alaska mentioned:
⭐️ Complete opposite of Florida weather
Escape oppression Ron – oppressive heat, that is. Your white rubber boots will blend perfectly into the snow here.
⭐️ Hurricanes are rare
What a relief! Right, Ron?
⭐️ Six months of darkness
Already half less “woke”!
⭐️ No big ticket theme parks!
You’ll be safe here, Ron.
Think of all the money Ron could save on ponchos! And no one will ever make fun of his white fisherman boots outfit ever, EVER again.
Think it over, Ron – you can’t keep Mickey Mouse at bay forever. Will Ron accept Alaska’s asylum? Will the Florida governor ever back down? Most people think moving 47 square miles of theme park would be easier.