Age has long been an area of confusion at Walt Disney World. Children are not considered children until they reach the age of three; unless you’re making a dining reservation. Proving that children grow up too fast, once they reach the age of nine they are suddenly adults. That’s ironic at a place where everyone is supposed to be a kid. To take away some of the confusion, Disney has decided to implement some changes on policies when it comes to children.
Effective immediately, parents or guardians will be required to provide a birth certificate for any child who they need to prove is under the age of nine. If no birth certificate is provided, the adult ticket price will be charged. There will be no exceptions, even if a child is still in diapers. If a birth certificate is not available, Disney will ask to see your Facebook status updates around the time of the child’s birth. A decision will then be made on a case to case basis.
Disney plans to build “nap zones” in all four theme parks and the water parks, where all preschoolers will be required to take a 30 minute nap each day. A letter from a school will be mandatory to prove that a child is school aged and does not need a nap. Please keep the letter handy, as you might be asked for it several times each day. Nap time will be held between 1:00 and 4:00, and each child will be given a certificate of completion once they have finished their 30 minute obligation. Some adults might also be sent for a mandatory nap, if they get too cranky.
Height requirements will be raised on all rides by two inches. This includes rides that do not currently have a height requirement, you will need to be at least two inches tall in order to ride. Children will be required to take off their shoes and socks before they are measured at the entrance to each ride. This is because of the high heeled sock craze that is currently sweeping Paris and is expected to soon take the United States by a storm.
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Children will be given a “height stick” when they enter a park for the day, and they must keep it with them at all times, no exceptions. This will show which rides they are tall enough to ride. Height sticks are not allowed on the rides.
Due to poor eating habits, there will be some changes to the kids’ menus. Instead of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, all restaurants will serve plates of vegetables to children. Not the good vegetables that some kids don’t complain about, they will be the mushy, overcooked kind and will feature lima beans and beets. Signature restaurants will also offer plates of raw kale to kids, but they can’t have dressing. Proof of age will be required to order off of the adult menu, and plate sharing will no longer be allowed.
Depending on age, the parks will close early to minors on school nights. All children under the age of seven will be required to leave by 6:00pm, through age 13 by 7:00pm, and over 13 by 8:00pm. If it is not a school night all those under 18 will be allowed to stay until 9:00pm, but no later.
Children under 18 will no longer be allowed to visit Epcot. Too much drinking isn’t the reason, it’s that there is too much education there, and who wants to learn when you’re on vacation? With no children at Epcot, Frozen Ever After will become a Tier Two FastPass+ attraction, since the demand for it is expected to go down slightly. If kids complain that they can no longer ride, parents are instructed to tell them to “let it go”.
Kids under 14 will be required to pass a swimming test before hitting the water parks. If you’re over 14 you’re expected to know whether or not you can swim.
Several rides will soon be “adult only”, meaning you will have to be 18 or older to ride. These rides have been deemed too scary for children. The list includes Tower of Terror, DINOSAUR, Haunted Mansion, Journey Into the Imagination With Figment, and Peter Pan’s Flight.
Finally, a new educational attraction based on WALL·E will soon make its way to all four Walt Disney World theme parks. Children will be given a broom and a dustpan, and they will pick up the trash. In unrelated news, Disney has announced a cutback in the number of custodial positions.
Disney has anticipated that some guests might have questions about these changes, and they have set up a special hot line to field inquiries and handle the occasional complaint. The number to call is 1-407-APRIL-FOOLS.